The Last Goodbye

Brokenheart

It’s been a couple of months since I wrote my last post and in between that span of time, so much has happened. In short, I am grateful for everything. I have been neck-deep with work, social activities, meditation – a number of things that are keeping me productive. They are blessings and every day, I try to remember that. But. There’s something lingering on my mind that I feel the need to write this out…It was my birthday last month. I had a great time and I felt so loved and cherished by family and friends. It was wonderful. Unlike many previous birthdays, this time, I didn’t celebrate with a boyfriend or girlfriend – I am currently single. For many years, I spent my birthdays with my love…who is now my ex. I was surprised to learn that I am no longer consumed with thoughts of her because after the end of our relationship, I’d usually get anxiety attacks on special occasions. I sorely missed her that her absence in my life was too great to ignore.   So, last … [Read more...]

In Love : Have You Ever Wished You Were Someone Else?

Heartbroken

“I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes”― Dishwalla Have you ever wished you were someone else? Just to make your significant other happy? Being in love - being in an immature kind of love, for that matter, can lead to some pretty intense experiences. With my host of self esteem  issues and feelings of inadequacy,  I made a number of not-so-great choices - especially when it came to relationships. I used to think that people who date each other will, at some point, try to change one another and that it was okay to. It thought it was normal... Fast forward - I found myself in a long-term relationship with someone who did not truly accept who I was. (Note : I use the words 'who I was' because I am a different person now.) My ex always found something 'wrong' with me or something about me to disapprove of. Whenever my 'issues' were brought up, it was like I'd just been hit by a truck. It was torn to pieces and I felt worthless. I … [Read more...]

Once Upon A Time, I Wasn’t Worth Fighting For

Sad child

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”― Siddhārtha Gautama Once upon a time, I wasn't worth fighting for. For as long as I can remember, I loathed myself. I had so much self-loathing that I felt like I was never good enough for anything or anyone. When I was a child, I was often told that I was 'too sensitive' or too this or that - there was always something. I was frequently told that I should change; that my behavior was unacceptable because of how I reacted to certain things or because of how I expressed myself. I was told I should change by those who were supposed to love me unconditionally. They thought it was the right thing to say - that I should change because 'people won't like me' or 'people won't love me' if I didn't. I hated it so much whenever anyone said this to me; that I should change because I will not be loved. I hated it so much that I would get upset. Sometimes, this was enough to reduce me to tears. For … [Read more...]